Failure

Failure (Photo credit: StormKatt)

 

One of the biggest fears I have is that somehow I will “fail” in this life, that I have to get everything right because I am going to be judged by the powers that be. I am not talking about hell, since I don’t believe that a loving God could ever do that to his creation. I was raised to believe in hellfire, though, and there is still something left in me that says if I am not perfect then I will be severely judged. I can imagine the faces of my spirit guides dripping with disappointment because I agreed to do certain things in this life before I was born, call these things my “mission”, and I failed to do them. Bam! Go directly to jail, don’t collect $200.

Of course I realize that this thinking is a bit silly, but I was raised to believe that no matter what I did I would never measure up. So I guess I have a lot of baggage to unload.

I knew from the time I was a teenager that I wanted to be a writer. The problem was that I didn’t seem to have much to write about. I wrote a few poems but that was it. I am sure that I underestimated my abilities but then again, there was that not so little voice that said, “You’ll never be good enough.”

Somewhere in the middle 90’s I saw a psychic. I am convinced that there is something to this because I have had very detailed psychic dreams of my own on occasion. That doesn’t mean though that I trust every psychic out there. I test them, I do not tell them anything about myself. In this case the psychic never asked any questions of me and no leading statements were made by her. This was also my first time seeing her. What she told me was astounding. She said that I should focus on my writing!

So this seemed to elevate my desire to write into a “mission.”  But instead of being happy about this confirmation I felt burdened by an expectation that I “had” to do this or else. Plus I felt like I had nothing productive to write about. After that I went through my “depressed poet” stage where I wrote a few good poems, but I didn’t feel that they were anything particularly special.

Around that same time I lost my job due to my bipolar disorder and I went through the worst depression of my entire life. Things started looking up when after two years of coping with this on my own I found a mental health social center and not long after I got hired to facilitate support groups. I, of course, was not the expert, I learned as much from them as they did from me.

After a while, I started to realize that maybe I really did have something to write about. I was gaining some wisdom of how to deal with my mental issues and I could share that with others. Unfortunately the gremlin laying on top of my airplane wing had other plans.

My friend the “gremlin” (my negative thought process) is determined to always sabotage my every effort. This is what he whispered to me:

This is a BIG mission so you’d better get it right! You have to write a book of profound wisdom that will change millions of lives. This is what is expected of you and if you don’t perform then you have let everyone down, including God himself! You’ll be a failure, just like you’ve failed at everything else!

Whew! With “friends” like this, who needs enemies! Is it any wonder that I had writer’s block?

Actually that voice sounds an awful lot like EGO (Edging God Out). Why should I be so presumptuous to assume that I am meant to write on that level? That doesn’t necessarily mean that I can’t, but the ego is the one who cares about silly things like accolades and money. That isn’t part of God’s thinking, and it shouldn’t be part of mine.

The fact is that even if I touch one life with my writing then it is worth it.

After all these years I am finally doing it. I am not getting paid, of course, but maybe in the future I might find some way to make money. This is my volunteer job, and it is just as important as a regular job. I don’t have to make money in order to make a difference.

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