Tag Archive: Purpose


Pain, Pain, Go Away…

Day 37 - Pain

Day 37 – Pain (Photo credit: DJorgensen)

I haven’t been writing lately, maybe because I feel like I should be doing better than I am, which is really nothing more than pride. I do not look down on others when they are having a rough time, but me? I am supposed to be the inspiration for others! I am supposed to be enlightened!

Forget that. I am in horrible pain with  fibromyalgia and I am mad at myself and fate.  I don’t want this. Last night I tried to make my body go numb to help stop the physical pain. It is a spontaneous thing I have done at times when mental pain has gotten too bad, a form of checking out. It actually helped this time, but only for a little while. My nerves are sensitized to pain and I figure that maybe through my mind I can “unsensitize” them.  I try to envision waves of light healing me, but it doesn’t help.

I am trying aromatherapy baths with Lavender oil and sometimes it helps and other times it doesn’t. Or it only helps for a little while. I have bought other essential oils to try, but they can be expensive. I have just made a call to set up an appointment with a massage therapist, another expense I don’t want to pay, but I am desperate right now.

The combination of having a mental disorder and a chronic pain and fatigue condition is overwhelming. A favorite author of mine, Kathleen Crowley knows about this first hand. I became familiar with her writing when I worked at a mental health social center. We used her book, The Power of Procovery in Healing Mental Illness, in one of our classes. Her first book, The Day Room: A Memoir of Madness and Mending, chronicles her journey through dealing with the effects of nerve damage due to medical malpractice. Nothing helped the pain and she ended up with a mental breakdown. Somehow this woman managed to recover her sanity and deal with the pain, which she has to this day. Although I found her book an inspiring read, I still feel something is missing because she really did not get into specifics about how she learned to deal with her physical pain. I actually met her a long time ago, at a mental health training I went to, and I wish I had ask her about that, but then I was not in bad pain at that time.

Still both books I recommend, especially The Power of Procovery. “Procovery” is a word she coined to express the idea that we need to let go of our old life in order to move forward and it’s mantra is “Just Start Anywhere!” This is good to remember now when I need to remember that I just need to take small steps to help myself instead of being completely helpless.

I have to confess that while I am very good at teaching others, I am often a bad student. I need to get back to the basics. It is hard though, because I want that magic formula that will give me my life back.

I hate having to push myself to do anything at all. Going to the mental health center where I get support is a challenge when I am hurting physically and mentally. But what other choice do I have? I am not going down the road of self-destruction again. if not for myself, at least for my family.

The truth is that I really don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live like this anymore. But there is a part of me that knows that my time here is not finished and that I am meant to accomplish more tasks. Last week I was sobbing to my therapist, saying “I want to matter!” Of course the truth is that I do matter, in some small way to others and my work isn’t done. But there is fear, a lot of fear, not only about my physical condition but because I am afraid of life, of reaching out. I hide my pain because I do not want to burden others and also because I am afraid of rejection. Even rejection by my readers, whom I think will condemn me for not being “spiritual enough.”

Okay I tell myself “You are human. Get over yourself!”

Any thoughts and advice would be welcome. 😉

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Today, as we honor Martin Luther King, Jr., let us remember that struggle is common to all, even though we are not always fighting the same fight. Whether you fight for justice in the outer world or fight for peace in the inner world, the words of those who have traveled a similar path of suffering can inspire us to never give up. So I share with you some quotes from the great man himself:

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Martin Luther King, Jr. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”

“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.”

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”

“An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.”

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.”

“We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools.”

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/m/martin_luther_king_jr.html#bJZ8YODRHLiMc7RA.99

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Here is an inspiring story from Prevention Magazine:

What It Takes To Get Through Tough Times

How a little advanced gratitude can change everything
By Denise Foley

Gratitude changes everything

Gratitude changes everything (Photo credit: symphony of love)

When the editorial cartoonist Marshall Ramsey put together a list of things he was grateful for, his two Pulitzer Prize nominations didn’t make the cut. In fact, even he admits his gratitude inventory sounds a little crazy: his first job after college as a high school janitor; the recession that forced him into part-time work; a melanoma diagnosis; all the people who didn’t believe in him.

Every one of those terrible twists, he explains, was responsible for a blessing. That job led him to his future wife, the daughter of a fellow janitor; getting laid off gave him the time to launch a second career in book illustration and radio; and his cancer diagnosis spurred him to help save hundreds of lives by organizing a series of runs to raise melanoma awareness. And all those naysayers? Let’s just say they were the ill winds beneath his wings.

“A good analogy is if you’re canoeing downstream and you hit a rock, it can either sink you or push you in another direction,” says Ramsey. “If you choose the other direction, it’s a blessing.”

Ramsey is a prime example of what might be called advanced gratitude: the ability to identify and appreciate the bad events in your life because of what you’ve gained from them. It’s far from a rare experience. Studies have found that gratitude is a prevailing, if counterintuitive, emotion among breast cancer survivors, people with spinal cord injuries, and post-9/11 Americans.

Clearly, you don’t become grateful for difficulties overnight (and rarely in the throes), but once you do, you’re privy to some amazing alchemy that will allow you to heal what hurts and see the victory that’s often at the center of every seeming defeat. It also boosts what one leading expert calls your psychological immune system, and it may even physically alter your brain so that gratitude isn’t just something you feel occasionally but guides how you approach life.

And it all starts with making a habit of appreciating what you have, what you’ve lost, and what your life would be like if fate hadn’t nudged you this way or that. Here are three steps to work your way into advanced gratitude…Read more here..

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This mirrors my thoughts lately.

Mary

A Window Of Wisdom

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“Love is always the antidote for what challenges us in life .”

 When we are able to view our challenges through eyes of love, instead of anger or fear, the energy attached to the situation changes within us,  to which we can handle our challenge with ease.

~ WOW ~

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English: Fall Foliage Photography

English: Fall Foliage Photography (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I found this wonderful article on Tiny Buddha, one of my favorite inspirational websites. I think it speaks to anyone who has dealt with disappointment and depression. But many times when we lose something we don’t see that we have gained something else:

When Things Fall Apart: Breakdowns Can Create Breakthroughs

By Melissa Dinwiddie

“Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together.” ~Unknown

“I’m sorry,” the email said, “but our phone call left me feeling uncomfortable, and we’ve decided to work with someone else.”

I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. Even though I saw it coming. Even though I’d brought it on myself.

It was February 2010, and I didn’t have the money to pay my mortgage. My savings were gone, burned through in a misguided attempt to breathe life back into my ailing business by “throwing money at the problem.” Read more..

 

 

A little light lunchtime reading...

A little light lunchtime reading… (Photo credit: Austin Kleon)

Hello Peeps! Here is another post from about a year ago for my new followers. I hope you all find it helpful!

Whatever is to give light must endure burning
Viktor Frankl

There is no doubt that as people with bipolar disorder we have suffered greatly, a suffering that most people cannot understand. We have stood on the pinnacle of life and also in the depths of hell. It is not self-pity to recognize where we have come from, but we cannot stay there. Being a helpless victim is a form of living death. We must take the lessons we have learned from our experiences and move forward…Read the rest of the article..

 

Rethink Mental Illness

Rethink Mental Illness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I posted this almost a year ago and after reading this again I feel that it speaks to me as much as anyone else. My challenge has less to do with my bipolar disorder and more to do with the fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue that I experience. I am trying new treatments but there is no guarantee that they will work. So the question on my mind is how do I create new dreams that are both fulfilling and also attainable? Of course everyone who has gone through a serious mental illness or physical illness asks these sort of questions.  To give up and spend the rest of your life watching TV is not what most people want. For me it has been hard not to feel useless and I always do best when I am working a fulfilling job.

This post is designed to stimulate thinking, not provide concrete answers. Ultimately it is up to the person as to how much they think they can handle. But even a little bit of effort can go a long way!

Making New Dreams

Every blade of grass has its’ angel that bends over it and whispers, ‘Grow, grow.’ The Talmud

Every one of us has that divine spark of life that strives for fulfillment. Just because we have an illness does not mean that we have to give up our dreams and crawl under the covers. A diagnosis is not a life-sentence. Read  more here…

Bee on flower (female Xylocopa violacea)

Bee on flower (female Xylocopa violacea) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hi all! I know I promised a post on the Law of Attraction and how that relates to the buddhist concept of non-attachment but I have gotten a bit derailed by my fibromyalgia.  I’ll get to it soon I promise! If you missed the first article about fear and non-attachment you can read it here.

In the meantime I have an old post that I would like to share. I originally wrote this as part of a book I was planning on daily meditations. I hope you will enjoy it!

Beauty and Pain In Suffering

I found that the nature of life is joyful, that deep within the core of each one of us is the joy that indeed surpasses understanding. This is a joy beyond polarity—a joy that includes sorrow, a hope that embraces despair.

Dorothy Maclean

In the tapestry of our lives there is a poetic theme. Often it is hard to see the beauty behind the pain. For many of us life has often been in a state of constant upheaval due to our illness. It is hard to see a sense of order or the Divine in it…read more

June Is Bustin Out All Over

June Is Bustin Out All Over (Photo credit: outdoorPDK)

Hi all! It will be my first anniversery doing this blog in June! So I am going to share some of my earlier posts with you this coming month in case you missed them. Here is the second half of my post My Bipolar Disorder: Curse or Blessing? (If you missed the first half you can read it here):

So in my last post I was talking about how we attract certain situations into our lives in order to learn from them. This has nothing to do with punishment or blame. It is about the Universe giving us another chance to get things rightread more here

 

This poem has been floating around for years but just in case you haven’t read it here it is again, a tiny, but powerful slice of wisdom:

 

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Copyright (c) 1993, by Portia Nelson from the book There’s A Hole in My Sidewalk. Reproduced with kind permission from Beyond Words Publishing, Hillsboro, Oregon.